This is the second week running I haven’t had an HNT. I don’t really have an excuse, other than I’m having serious body-image issues at the moment. So I think I’m taking a break from HNTs until I feel more comfortable with myself (gonna seriously try to lose some weight). It’s really hard to hate your body, and trying to come up with HNTs I’m comfortable showing is just driving the point home for me.
Archive for the ‘Sad face’ Category
So, my body isn’t the easiest to deal with. I have a lot of medical problems. But for the most part, I’ve been able to give it the middle finger and do what I want. So in terms of health, whatever.
It’s body image where I get held up. My body gave me to several national championship wins in rowing when I was in high school and college. It has carried me across the USA on a bicycle. And I still *hate* it. It’s really come through for me in a lot of ways, yet I am uncomfortable in my own skin every second. I *hate* this. It’s so hard to get over relationship related issues when I feel disgusting.
Sigh. Sorry for the rant.
So, it occurred to me tonight that I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve been treated well. All of the men I’ve had relationships of one sort or another with were very nice to me when we were friends (one was my very good friend for years); they were and are nice to other people who aren’t me. In all other spheres of my life, I’m a pretty good judge of character. It just seems that whenever someone gets into a relationship with me, the inevitable result is that within a few weeks to a month they become indifferent and want to get rid of me or, most recently, one became abusive and cruel. The only person I’ve ever had sex with (or been in love with) was the abusive one, which make me really not want to have sex with anyone else, ever.
I’m hesitant to say this is a problem with “men”: I see lots of other women in perfectly nice relationships where their boyfriend/husband is kind to them. My parents have a very happy, loving relationship. So I guess there’s a problem with me. I don’t know what it is: I try to be a nice person, I like to have fun, I’ve never been particularly clingy (although I’m so fucked up now, who knows). Am I just not pretty or skinny enough? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I wish I could figure out what’s wrong with me.