The Outspoken Clitic

Hi, everyone.  I’m back from vacation.  Unfortunately, almost as soon as I got back, my grandmother decided to come visit.  Now, this woman owns the apartment I’m living in, and allows me to live in it rent-free.  For this I am very grateful.  However, she also fits many of the DSM-IV criteria for sociopathy.  She cannot see people as anything other than objects to be manipulated, and therefore has been in many of her previous relationships abusive at worst and manipulative/controlling at best.  My father had to flee to another continent to get away from her when he was a teenager.

So now she’s here, initially for a week but now thinking about staying longer.  It’s her apartment, so she can stay as long as she’d like.  But she’s already reduced me to tears twice in the five days she’s been here, and has had me anxious and stressed for the rest of the time.  So I’m just spending my time out of the apartment.  As you can imagine, it’s pretty stressful.  I already have PTSD from an abusive relationship, so I’m finding this exceptionally difficult to manage.  I’m considering couch-surfing at friends’ places for the duration of her visit.

Oh, and my phone was stolen today. It’s good times.

I’ll be back to a regular posting schedule once she leaves and lets me have my life back.  Hopefully that’s sooner rather than later.

Dear Eroscillator,

I tried to turn you on last week,

You’ve been my favorite for a year.

But your silence caused me to shriek,

And the problem provoked much fear.

Oh no! I cried in disbelief,

My beloved plaything has died!

Desperately desiring relief,

I emailed your maker and sighed.

Of course, they said, send it on back,

We shall honor the warranty.

Hooray! I screamed, began to pack,

And I shipped you off happily!

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion, which will probably be in prose and will probably contain less melodrama (no guarantees, though).

[Images in this post are in homage to this site, which you should totally check out because she's way funnier than me.]

OK, so posting here has been a little sparse as of late.  There have been some unfortunate circumstances in my life and at the moment I need to focus most of my energy elsewhere.  Just for a little while, though, and then I’ll be back in full force with some upgrades, some new content, tons of new reviews, and a visual overhaul.

So, to those of you I owe reviews: they’re coming!  I haven’t forgotten about anyone.

Just keep your fingers crossed for me that everything works out.

Hi everyone.  Apologies for the long absence.  I’ve been pretty sick, on and off, and coupled with the fact that my life is falling apart at the edges, this makes me turn into kind of a hermit.  So, yeah, I’m going to try to be around more often.  

How’s everyone else?

This is the second week running I haven’t had an HNT.  I don’t really have an excuse, other than I’m having serious body-image issues at the moment.  So I think I’m taking a break from HNTs until I feel more comfortable with myself (gonna seriously try to lose some weight).  It’s really hard to hate your body, and trying to come up with HNTs I’m comfortable showing is just driving the point home for me.

So, my body isn’t the easiest to deal with.  I have a lot of medical problems.  But for the most part, I’ve been able to give it the middle finger and do what I want.  So in terms of health, whatever.

It’s body image where I get held up.  My body gave me to several national championship wins in rowing when I was in high school and college.  It has carried me across the USA on a bicycle.  And I still *hate* it.  It’s really come through for me in a lot of ways, yet I am uncomfortable in my own skin every second.  I *hate* this.  It’s so hard to get over relationship related issues when I feel disgusting.

Sigh.  Sorry for the rant.

So, it occurred to me tonight that I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve been treated well. All of the men I’ve had relationships of one sort or another with were very nice to me when we were friends (one was my very good friend for years); they were and are nice to other people who aren’t me. In all other spheres of my life, I’m a pretty good judge of character. It just seems that whenever someone gets into a relationship with me, the inevitable result is that within a few weeks to a month they become indifferent and want to get rid of me or, most recently, one became abusive and cruel. The only person I’ve ever had sex with (or been in love with) was the abusive one, which make me really not want to have sex with anyone else, ever.

I’m hesitant to say this is a problem with “men”: I see lots of other women in perfectly nice relationships where their boyfriend/husband is kind to them. My parents have a very happy, loving relationship. So I guess there’s a problem with me. I don’t know what it is: I try to be a nice person, I like to have fun, I’ve never been particularly clingy (although I’m so fucked up now, who knows).  Am I just not pretty or skinny enough?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I wish I could figure out what’s wrong with me.